I originally created this blog to track my emotions and thoughts of when I first started Bikram yoga. 2 years later, I'm now a Bikram yoga teachin', crossfit trainin', Paleo eatin' guy.
These are my thoughts, feelings and stories about the world around me. Enjoy
I turned 27 today. It was an interesting day to say the least. I went to a sex store with my friend where I bought a cute jock strap. I lounged around and watched Queer as Folk and then I worked for a few hours. I then ventured to a sushi place… alone and gorged on some sushi and wine. It was quite delicious but something was off.
I sat at the bar alone, and just thought to myself things that I want to accomplish. And I think, the number one thing that popped into my head, is to be more truthful to myself and to others, and to do what I feel in my heart to be my appropriate path to go on. I also need to view all aspects of life in a positive manner.
I never had a birthday that I spent alone. I usually have a friend or family with me to celebrate. I guess it was just different. And due to the snow storm that’s predicted to hit, my boyfriend didn’t come either. It was just an off day I guess.
In other news my best friend posted a video for me of her dancing to the song “somebody loves you.” by Betty Who. It made my life. Esther, you’re truly an amazing person who I hope to be half as amazing as you one day. I wish I could transfer it from facebook onto here ::le sigh::
I need to be able to look at the better things in life and appreciate what I do truly have. I say this so much in yoga “never judge what anyone else around you is doing, and never judge yourself for what you were able to do before. Your mind, body and spirit are changing everyday.” I need to realize that outside of the yoga room too. Cheeze ball, I know.
I went to New York this weekend and I can honestly say it was one of the best times I’ve ever had. I love New York. I love everything about New York; The sights, the smells, the random people, diversity, the never ending restaurant choices. It’s always changing, it’s always evolving. It has a mind of its own. I love dressing like a total goof and not worrying what anyone is thinking or saying because no one cares. Reminds me so much of Hawaii.
I arrived in NYC Saturday at midnight, woke up at 6am and it was nonstop all day. I couldn’t get enough. I don’t know if it was because I did yoga that morning, or I was hanging out with one of my good friends who I don’t see that often, regardless of what it was it was great. I usually have chronic neck pain, my neck didn’t hurt once while there. Probably because I wasn’t slumped over a desk.
We had a great dinner with friends, made some new ones, drank far too much wine, and enjoyed the cacophony of the bustling streets and loud-horned taxi’s until 4am. Worth it. My friends want me to move there, but I’m convinced that if I do I’d turn into a Chelsea gay, injecting myself with steroids, having sex all the time and revert to nose candy instead of food. If only life could be so perfect.
I think I need to learn to live on my own first before taking that leap to a city that big. That’s why I’m moving to Providence. A lease will be signed this week, i’m shapin’ up and shippin’ out. I’ll be there by Oct 1st. If you have any job recommendations/leads let me know!
Providence is so ideal for me right now. You have the RISD and Brown students, along with the Jonson & Whales. Such a great atmosphere. The gay scene is super open and mellow. Love Federal Street. I never feel judged like I am in Boston or NYC. I like it. Everything is so close and there are a few yoga studios. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
I hope this new job works out. I hope I find out soon. I hope that I can teach yoga on the side. I hope that I will love it. I hope that more weight will fall off my shoulders and around my waist :P. I hope that life will fall into place. ::sigh::
What is it about our first loves that drive us bonkers? Or is it just me?
Here’s my story. I fell in love with a Cambodian guy a long time ago. He was everything I could ever imagine. Funny, smart, artistic, sensitive, emotional, total hunk and athletic. He saw the world in a different way, way different than anyone else I knew. But, well, I guess he wasn’t everything because he claimed to not be gay.
I was 16, it was my first experience with a guy. It was a dark time in my life. I wasn’t able to tell anyone I was gay. And, well, it just seemed so right, to have this guy who was interested in me in some way.
Things got heavy and after 2 and 1/2 years of well, confusion. He left. Gone. It was the summer right before college and he went his way, and I went mine. We had one last dinner and he said goodbye. At the time I didn’t think it was goodbye for good. But I haven’t seen him in 8 years since, so I guess it is.
A recent photo of him popped up on facebook and I’m seeing him, really seeing him for the first time. He hasn’t talked to me in 6 years or so. I’ve tried to reach out to him through the years but he’s never responded back.
I recently just got out of a 2 year relationship with someone. One of the hardest things I’ve done- to break up with someone who loves you to peices and well, you just don’t feel the same back. I wonder, if that was the case with my first “boyfriend”(?) Was he the current day me? Was he the one that tried to love me and be there but couldn’t? I’m never really sure, and well perhaps, i’ll never know.
My heart is screaming at me to send him another message on facebook, asking how he’s doing. what’s going on in his life. But another part of me worries that I’ll just be answered with the usual silence, left to always wonder and hating myself for throwing my feelings out to the wind.
What do I want to accomplish with me sending him a message? I think that’s the true question I need to ask myself. I don’t think I’m over the relationship we had. And I think for me, that’s a problem. I don’t know if I ever will be. But I do know that if he wasn’t either he would have reached out to me after all the times I’ve attempted to reach out to him.
So, I must accept this feeling for what it is, and let it pass through time.
Something happened to me today. And at the time it was shameful. But looking back on it now I’m glad it happened. It was a wake up call. We did a WOD today. Not one that i’m enthusiastic about. I guess I am, because I love working my legs. I’m a legs guy, the thicker the better. but I HATE running.
Anyways, WOD was 3X 400m run and 50 air squats. I finished dead last. Not only was I in dead last but I was beat but a 14 year old twerp (for the record, he’s not a twerp, i’m sure he’s a really nice kid but my ego came out full force at the time). Maybe I hate losing. I don’t know. I usually don’t. But I felt so mad about myself. I thought “Really Andrew, this is the shape you’re in!?” I don’t care that I was beaten by a 14 year old. What I care about is that it was a reflection to myself as to how my current performance is.
I thought that doing yoga on the side has been helping, don’t get me wrong it has. The whole time during the workout I thought to myself “I wanna see these bitches hold standing bow or go into camel as deep as I do!”
My lifestyle choices need to change for the better. Slowly but surely. It’s so easy for me to eat paleo monday - friday. it’s the weekends that are tough.
In other news. I made Pumpkin Chicken Curry Paleo Sliders, found by Paleomg.com. I strongly recommend anyone that likes to cook to try it out. I could eat them all night :).
I’m keeping my chin up and my heart open. My good friend wrote a post on facebook today from my favorite author Elizabeth Gilbert:
"Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings…"
I’m promising myself to strive for it on every single day. To take a step back, change my approach and to learn to love myself more.
I have been slowly learning to love myself and I think now is a start to a new beginning. One day at a time yadda yadda yadda. It’s time for bed :). Whoever who reads this. thanks.
It’s been forever since I posted last and I always get into an argument with myself. “Should I post? Shouldn’t I post? Does it even matter what I say? Is anyone going to read my thoughts? Is blogging still ‘cool’ anymore?” I don’t know.
What I do know is, it’s an emotional release for me, I guess that amounts to something, right?
Today’s beautiful. I’m at a coffee shop. I gave up coffee, so I’m drinking some tea, relaxing, and doing math problems. Yes math problems. I have successfully passed 2 out of the 3 exams I need to become an elementary school teacher in the state of MA. My last test is for math. And I SUCK SUCK SUCKITY SUCK SUCK at math. I’m going back to basics. Legit. 1+1. It’s been forever. Tapping into that left side of the brain I’ve loathed so much.
I hate my job, yup, working full time, went back to my old job and I fucking sucks.
I’m trying to keep an optimistic eye but the more I stay there the more I feel trapped. I’ve been listening to Dr. Rob Gilbert every morning who helps put life into perspective for me. I don’t know, there are things I need to change in my life and I don’t know how, or when it’s going to happen. I need to make the change, but I doubt. I doubt everything in my life and I doubt if the path I want to take is the appropriate path. I guess we all never know.
Maybe I shouldn’t worry, maybe I should just go with the flow of life and not worry. Does everyone truly love their job? I wonder if people always think the same things I do. I don’t know.
One day at a time.
Crossfit in the AM and Bikram in the evening. Felt like I was back at training again. <3
Shunryu Suzuki (via ecstaticallyinspired)